..A World of Nonsense..

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 9:55 PM

Kailangan ko nang ilabas 'to, kung hindi baka hindi na ako makatulog mamaya.

Bago nagsimula ang huling session namin sa Stomp, Hip Hop Beginners A, nakausap ko si Sofia. Maybe you could call it a teensy bonding moment. I held up my (sister's) cellphone, with the wallpaper where Dikko and I were beside each other in Max's on the lunch back from Subic.

I asked Sofia and Micole, my longest acquaintances there, if Dikko and I looked alike in that picture. Sofia had answered a bit, and Micole said... she couldn't tell. But that's not the main content of what I feel like saying.

Sofia said a few moments afterwards, "Ang hirap nang walang mahal."

"Mahirap ding magmahal..."

'Yun na lang ang sinagot ko. Totoo naman eh. Mahirap magmahal. Kinumpara ko sa buhay ko dati - masaya, magaan, malaya, hindi namomroblema sa mga lalaki. Bakit? Bago ko nakilala si Gio, si Edward, si Dikko [ at kahit na nakilala ko sila ] o sinumang lalaki sa kasaysayan ng buhay ko, hindi naman ako naghabol ng lalaki. Hindi ako napatay sa mga gwaping na dumaan sa paningin ko. Hindi ako naghanap ng pic. Hindi ako desperado makakuha ng Y!M address o telephone number... hindi. Nagkaroon ako ng crush, oo, pero hindi ako namroblema sa mga lalaki.

Siguro pwede na ring sabihin na wala akong pakialam kahit na may lalaking nagkagusto sa akin o wala. Totoo rin naman eh. Nasanay na kasi ako na ang mga nagugustuhan ko mas maganda talaga ang gusto. Kaya tahimik lang ako, kinakaibigan ko lang sila at nagiging ka-close... hindi lang alam ng mga crush ko na gusto ko sila. Kung alam man nila relaxed pa rin ako, kunwari hindi totoo; na friends lang kami. Kung inabuso nila ang pagkakaibigan namin [ at ang pagkakagusto ko sa kanya ], okay lang. Nangyari na rin 'yun.

Nasanay na akong "wall flower"... hindi lang sa mga party [ hindi naman ako nagpupunta sa mga party; kids' party lang o party ng isang very very very close friend ], pero sa pang-araw-araw na buhay. Lagi namang may malapit sa aking blooming red rose na kinukuha una ng lalaking gusto ko. Okay lang. Meron pa rin naman akong mga kaibigan.

To be honest? Halos lahat ng mga kaibigan ko ganoon... love-less. Kung may love man sila, strong feelings for a crush, I guess. I guess birds of the same feather flock together. And we celebrate "Single's Awareness Day" [ AKA Valentine's Day ] together.

NOw? I'm not single anymore. I'm committed, and unofficially engaged to someone. Ever since high school started, my love life started spinning round and round. Hinilo niya ako. Sa may start ng first year, there was Gio for a few weeks... not even a month. I guess I could say Gio used me. Pero okay lang. I still had the wall flower 'titude back then. And I swore that I would aim to be the best so that I could show him... he had the losing end of the "relationship".

Then there was a few months of a free and relaxed period. Just eyeing a few guys as "fafables", a few crushes [ okay, as I told Mars before... I admit I had a list that became more than 10 crushes? ]. Just before Edward popped up. To be super honest [ if you're reading this Ed, I don't mean this in a bad way. Promise. ], I knew that he liked me.

Doi.

I asked him over Y!M and over the boards if he liked me [ taken from a few hints from the boards ], and at some point he admitted that he did like me. My mind was like, "Wow... the first time a guy that has actually seen me has ever admitted to liking me." That was late in the year, I think, because I still remember the adorable cream teddy bear he gave me for Christmas. But I honestly didn't think that it was any form of courtship [ hell, I'm inexperienced with these kinds of things ].

Before the situation with Edward spiralled down, Dikko came into the picture. According to him, earlier that same year he was already showing interest in me; there was even one instance that I asked him if he trusted me [ I was at a program thing, we were discussing trust and I suddenly thought of asking those who I was close to in the SEB if they trusted me; do the Math ].

What did he answer? He told me that he loved me. And that to love is to trust. I really never thought it was anything else. I guess I got used to the "SEB family love" thing. Dikko was my uncle back then, so I just said that I loved him back... meaning it as my uncle.

There was one time that I was talking to Kuya Franco, one of Dikko's so-called "quadruplet brothers" [ hey, they did kind of look alike at one point ]. Kuya Franco and I were talking about best friends, and he asked me who my "many" best friends were. I went on, without really thinking about it, to say that Dikko was one of those whom I considered my best friend.

It was December, I think, when we started exchanging letters. Yes, we were still uncle and niece at that time. Marny and I were using Y!M while we were doing a project over here at my house. Dikko happened to be online, and for some reason I talked to him. While Marny was beside me. [ And we weren't doing our project, hahaha. ] There was one time that Marny typed in that "Justine is bad". Immediately, Dikko protested saying that I'm not. For some weird reason, Marny and I pressed that "I'm bad".

Later on in school I continued pressing that "I'm bad". I told him that I was bad, and later on into the day I wrote it on a piece of Math notebook paper in big red letters, "I AM BAD". I carried that around with me, and Dikko kept arguing something like, "No, you're not bad... I love you..."

That got me into writing on another piece of graphing paper. With another "I am bad" slogan, I think. I wrote it during English class, and coincidentially [ or is it? ] Dikko and his class passed by the doorway just as I had glanced up. Apparently they were transferring classrooms as I was writing the letter.

What was in the letter? If I remember clearly, I told him that if a person loved someone he/she should let that person be as he/she is. That love doesn't require the loved one to change. And that if he "truly loved" me, he would let me go on saying that I was bad.

Surprisingly, even though we didn't meet inside the office like we regularly did, he handed me a letter just as I was going into the AVR for my first class. I was shocked when someone tapped me, I turned... and it was Dikko, handing a letter over to me. On that letter he told me that no matter what, he loved me. If the world turned against me, or if I needed light, or if I hated myself... he'd always be there for me and love me. Weird, huh?

By January, Dikko was strongly hinting that he liked me. He asked me for a dance during the Threshold Moment [ which I attended as usherette ], because "he wasn't sure" if his crush [ as far as I had known, but I suspected that i was leveled-off with her... because Dikko stopped calling her "your Tita" and called her by name already ] "was coming at all".

There was also the Rivermaya-Kitchie Nadal concert. When Daddy Ron [ my SEB dad ], Kuya Franco, Kuya Miguel, and Dikko [ all of them part of the quadruplets ] left my SEB friends and I, Daddy Ron told me to text him if Kitchie Nadal was on-stage already [ opening bands first, 'member? ]. After giving me his number Daddy Ron led them out to the SEB office, I think. Dikko talked to me for a while before going with Daddy Ron, saying that I knew how to reach him [ I memorized his number when we were asked to register our cellphone numbers at one time while we were beside each other during a test... long story ].

When Kitchie Nadal was on, I texted Daddy Ron that she was already performing. He didn't reply, so I tried Dikko. He replied, saying they were there even before Kitchie started playing. Soon enough all the friends I was with left for home, so I just texted Dikko. I told him that it was good they were there together because I was left alone [ hahaha. Looking for sympathy and a companion? ]. Then he asked me where I was. I texted him my location, and in a flash he was beside me.

I was shocked. I never thought that he would be coming at all. He stayed beside me for the rest of the concert, even when one of my friends came back and I distanced from Dikko to be with my friend. But he was still there. He never left. When my friend really had to go home, he came back at my side. At Rivermaya's "Hinahanap-Hanap Kita" he texted into his phone that the guy was still looking, but here was Dikko... who had already found me.

I was happy that he texted me that [ well, over the din of the concert we were left no other option but text to understand each other ]. Then I realized we were standing right in front of the gigantic speakers, with deafening music blaring out of it. I asked him if he wanted to move, and all he said was I should decide and he would follow. I moved a few steps away from the speaker, and he did follow.

Dikko was with me through the rest of the night, and when I lined up for Kitchie's autograph [ my friends had me sign their CDs even though I didn't have a CD at all T_T ] he had to go. Oddly enough [ but sweetly enough ] he was reluctant to leave me, and he had his hands on my shoulders. He still wanted to stay and wait for me to finish with my turn. I insisted that he go if he had to, and he reluctantly said good bye... and he also said I love you.

I was left alone inside the gym, with no one I knew at all. I faithfully stayed in the line to have my friends' CDs signed. Soon after, there was a call on my phone. It was Dikko. I answered it, wondering what made him call. I was surprised when he called just to make sure that I would be okay. Again, he told me that he loved me.

The next day - I attended a seminar in the afternoon, and I was texting him at that time. We talked about all sorts of things, like what we were doing and stuff. I learned that he was making dinner at some time that night, and I asked him what he was making. That conversation soon turned into my favorite viand, and he insisted that he cook for me some time.

I arrived home, and we continued talking over Y!M. He wanted me to go and sleep already because 1) the concert took until the early morning, 2) I had just attended a long seminar, and 3) I had cough and colds [ ang galing niya, naalala niya ]. But I stayed anyway, and we talked for a while. Again he stated that he loved me.

Oh, and the "Justine is bad" slogan from before turned into "you are beautiful". Dikko insisted that I was "beautiful", and I insisted that I wasn't. He brought up the topic of someone courting me [ of which he knew of Gio from my past, more or less ]... if that would change my idea on my looks. When I said no, he asked if it was him courting me, would it convince me that I was beautiful?

Still a no. [ Mwuahahaha. ] Then he asked me to remind him to ask me something on February 14th. I asked him what he was going to ask, suspicious of what it was, and he just asked me if I wanted him to ask it on the next day instead. I pressed on the "what is it" issue, and he only said he would just wait for the right time to ask me because it was a reserved question... and that he never asked it before. He also said that it would lead to two things: either I would change, or I would say no.

I saved and printed out that particular chatlog... and showed it to Regine the next day [ Regine was my informal adviser, especially on Dikko since she became my seatmate at the time that Dikko was really hinting that he liked me ]. We were inside the covered court when I showed the chatlog to her, and Dikko was there a dozen or so steps away [ since the 1st and 3rd were supposed to be at the covered court ].

I didn't know how to react to things and I was kind of panicking as I was showing Regine the chatlog. I was careful to keep it cool, and not let my other friends and Dikko know what Regine was reading.

During the procession, Dikko texted me. And I texted back. When we were seated for the mass, he asked me where I was but I couldn't really describe my location. Then Regine [ who was beside me ] said that Dikko had found me and was looking at me... that I was going to melt from his consistent gaze on me. Adrienne [ other side ] was wondering what we were talking about, but agreed that Dikko was looking at me and that I would melt from his gaze.

I felt excited and tensed at the same time. I really didn't know how to react. When the mass ended he came over to me, but he kept his distance. I told him through text before that I needed to find my sister. I went towards Dikko before I went looking for my sister, and all he told me was that he loved me before he left.

I found my sister, and we both went to find our mom. When we were in the car, Dikko texted to make sure that I was on my way home. During another Y!M conversation that night, I really felt that he had taken a strong liking to me. When he sent me a round yellow smiley that was offering a single red rose and saying "Be mine!", things just kept going on... until I ended up sleeping in the morning with my first serious boyfriend.

So that was my history with boys. What's my problem now? Why am I complaining that it's difficult to be loving someone?

Well, when you have someone like Dikko to love it's quite a love story. I promise you, your life will be patterned like a dramatic tele-novel. He's actually got me paranoid of him now. The slightest change in text message mood or Y!M mood, I'm worried.

Like I am, right now. Is it coincidential that the day that I bond with Sofia [ especially with asking her if Dikko and I looked alike ] was one of the days that was kind of hard for me to handle the fact that I'm committed to Dikko and he had a problem?

I don't know. Just call me worried. Even though my post has no connection at all to my being worried.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 1:25 AM

Obviously, I can't rant to anyone right now.

*sighs* I know my troubles are very small, but I'd just like to say this night is bullshit. I can't even vent out on a handstand. Damn it.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 10:29 PM

Promise
by Matchbook Romance

What would you say if I asked you not to go
To forget everyone, forget everything and start over with me
Would you take my hand and never let me go
Promise me you'll never let me go

And now the stars aren't out tonight,
But neither are we to look up at them
Why does hello feel like goodbye?
These memories can't replace,
These wishes I wished and dreams I chased
Take this broken heart and make it right

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

I never thought I'd be the one to say
Please don't, well please don't leave me

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy (easy, easy, easy...)

Take my hand and never let me go,
Take my hand and never let me go,
Promise me...
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
You'll never let go
Make this last forever

I feel like I lost everything when you're gone
Left remembering what it's like to have you here with me
I thought you should know,
You're not making this easy

You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy
You're not making this easy

I'll fall asleep tonight, 'cause that brings me closer to you

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 11:10 PM

A swirl of fantastic colors, dancing through the storm
A sea of dazzling green, a shelter of strong brown and comfortable green
A land of blue down and into the horizon
Wonderful warmth, utmost serenity
A sanctuary within the worst

What are these words that I am uttering? Only one person can truly understand... and I'd like to keep it that way. :)

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 11:19 PM

Autumn leaves are falling, it's a golden brown celebration
Can you see them gently descending?
Silent and beautiful, something not to be understood
A wonderful and passionate incident in life
A most amazing thing, to be experienced

What does this mean? Well... find out for yourself. There's a hidden message. :)

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 10:43 PM

To whoever will be marrying me (who I hope, pray, wish is Dikko Rafael Bianzon Bautista), get ready to wake up in the middle of the night. With me telling you I can't breathe. o___o

It seems that I get that... a little bit easier than most. o___o Kagabi naman kasi eh, mga ten minutes pa lang ako nakatulog biglang nagising ako. And I coughed... not-so-violently / not-so-mildly (ang labo, no? =P). Tapos hindi pa ako makahinga dahil sinisipon ako.

I took my medicines after a while. Natakot na kasi akong matulog nang walang gamot, baka hindi na ako makahinga through the night (or whatever was left of it). Wa epek! @___@ So I went to my parents' room, and ended up sleeping there (with my brothers o___o) because my mom wanted me to be nearer to her just in case.

Wahahaha. The not-being-able-to-breathe thing also comes when I have my allergic reaction. Especially when it's severe. XD

Maybe that situation before I was born was a warning. I mean, being tangled in your umbilical cord and your mom needing an operation to take you out so you wouldn't die? Maybe I couldn't breathe then. XD Who knows? XD

Anywhoo~ I'm still alive, aren't I? That's good enough for me. XD

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 9:12 AM

I give up on this... temporarily.

I'll be back with the contents later on today, damn it.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 3:40 PM

A swirl of fantastic colors, dancing through the stormA sea of dazzling green, a shelter of strong brown and comfortable greenA land of blue down and into the horizonWonderful warmth, utmost serenityA sanctuary within the worst

Autumn leaves are falling, it's a golden brown celebrationCan you see them gently descending?Silent and beautiful, something not to be understoodA wonderful and passionate incident in lifeA most amazing thing, to be experienced

A swirl of fantastic colors, dancing through the storm
A sea of dazzling green, a shelter of strong brown and comfortable green
A land of blue down and into the horizon
Wonderful warmth, utmost serenity
A sanctuary within the worst

Autumn leaves are falling, it's a golden brown celebration
Can you see them gently descending?
Silent and beautiful, something not to be understood
A wonderful and passionate incident in life
A most amazing thing, to be experienced