..A World of Nonsense..

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Thank you for your understanding.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 6:44 PM

-post censored due to foul language and harmful message-

Author would just like to request those who have read the original content of this blog post (one way or another) to keep it private (by all means).

Thank you for your understanding.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 12:03 AM

Well, these are just some things I feel like jotting down... so I wouldn't forget at all. @_____@

1) Call Adrienne. I haven't heard from 'em a while, and let's start with Adrienne; farthest first.

2) Call Marny; I do owe her a lot. A hell lot.

3) Repay Marny!!! ~ a really big MUST DO. By now, I think I owe her hundreds in Pesos (okay, maybe not that much... but a big amount anyway) from borrowing money from her whenever my parents forgot to give my lunch money. And that's from Grade 5! ...you do the Math.

4) Call Reg. I am wondering if she'd survived her 'penance' of days and days of Math, nyahahahaha.

5) During each call... maybe I should pour out all that I feel. It's hard... just listening to OPM (I switch to OPM when I'm down... big-time down. At least, by my definition), moping whenever I'm by myself and trying not to cry... plainly sucks.

6) Spend LOTS of time with all of them. They've been with me longer than Dikko has, anyhow. And if (note the underlined if) Dikko and I separate for... good... I want them to receive the love I've got left. Don't get me wrong; I love my friends.

7) And when (note the underlined when) Dikko and I get married (estimated time left before marriage: 8 years, 9 months, 1 day, roughly 1 hour, 32 minutes... and ticking.) I want them to be maybe one or more of the following:

a. godmothers of the wedding;

b. maid of utmost honor;

c. my lovely bridesmaid(s)

d. co-designers of my dress (I want to design my dress, have someone I trust design it [maybe I could ask for Danielle's opinion, even though this isn't her kind of stuff =P... or maybe Michael Brion for the color scheme... or Mars!], or get a dress that is so not ordinary! =P);

e. mother(s) of the flowergirl(s) / ringbearer

...nyahahaha.

8) Study eff'n hard. They say Chem is hard... to-be-4th-year groupmates at the Kumon Elite Circle meeting whatever whatnot whachamacallit told me to just nod at the teacher, hahaha. =P ...or skip 3rd year, and head on to Physics, hahahaha. (I take the second option, the SECOND ONE!!! @___@)

9) Practice. ...my piano-playing, my writing, my drawing, my singing, my dancing.

10) Do SRG!!! And get Sir Raga really into it. (Mars, we're still not getting anywhere... TT_TT)

11) Make new friends; I'm starting to get pretty okay with my classmates in hiphop, whee~ added Ate Miho and Kuya Joseph from KEC, whee~ Yay~

12) Quit moping. Seriously.

13) Get over myself.

14) Earn lots of money; try to get a part-time job even when there are classes.

15) Get my freakin' schedule into order.

16) Do my Kumon.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 10:28 PM

Ang hirap naman nito... I still have a lot kept inside me, and no one to pour them all out to...

I've stranded so far, too far... out of reach of my friends... And my best friends? ...I haven't been a good friend to them, in general...

It's so sad... it's so lonely... Si Dikko na lang kasi halos ang kinakausap ko about my troubles... At kung hindi naman siya, best friends ko... pero... tungkol naman sa mga problema ko kay Dikko...

Noong school time 'yun... ngayong vacation na, hindi na sila tumatawag... Let's face the facts - I'm not a telephone-y person. I hate being on the telephone for long, at tinatamad akong mag-dial and all that junk...

But it's so sad...

I'm not used to this kind of loneliness...

I guess I've overstayed my welcome with my friends... It seems that I've always thought, "I always choose to be lonely... because I'll always have friends welcoming me back..." and now... It's just... so sad...

Let's also face the fact - Dikko isn't the best friend one could ever have. Not when you don't hear from him or get to talk to him for days and days on end.

Ever since Pre School, I've more or less had at least one best friend... even though I've been friend-hopping per grade level... and now that I have absolutely anyone with me... it's just... a new feeling... it's a sad new feeling... and I don't want it...

I DON'T WANT IT!!!

My thoughts at night? They've been getting scarier... Well, call me weird and immature, but I've been thinking of all sorts of disasters... fires, amnesia (for me), natural disasters... things to be reasons for Dikko to come here. If he would ever know about it.

It's so lonely... I can't stand this loneliness...

True; I have four siblings... they're the reason I have a smile on my face most of the day... but... someone I can pour my inner thoughts out to? That someone's not here...

It's not even Dikko... Let's just say... when I tell him about things, he doesn't react like an actual best friend will... He'll more or less say "it's okay" or "I love you" or "I'll just hug and kiss you"...

No, it's not enough... I need my best friend back...

I need someone... someone who will really listen to my troubles, and then slap me in the face, whether with their hand or with their words... to wake me into the reality...

"Justine... you're worrying about something stupid."

I know that I already know my thoughts are so stupid... but it takes a friend to really slap you into life again... someone to laugh your troubles off with...

I stil have kept feelings... feelings about my first major brokenness, my second major brokenness, and my third major brokenness... I've told Dikko a bit about them all, but... all he's said was "Tell me about it, okay?" (but he doesn't seem completely interested because he never asked again...) and "I'm sorry" (although I doubt he knows the entire situation... how I feel about it, entirely...), and "it's okay... I'm yours forever anyway..."

No, that's not what I'm looking for...

Dikko... I love you and all... but... those aren't the right answers to the feelings I have...

I know my woes are super stupid. Let's quit the fancy talk and bluntly say it. My troubles are just small idiotic troubles. But... I can't describe it any more...

What I've really noticed for quite a while now... boyfriends can tell when you have a problem, even when sometimes your best friends can't or just plainly ignore your signals... but still, best friends WILL end up knowing the perfect remedy for every tiny problem... <3

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 10:05 PM

Truth About Heaven
by Armor for Sleep

I can more or less relate to this song...

Walk past my grave in the dark tonight,
Saw the stone and the note you left for me,
to answer your question I just had to leave,
I just had to leave,

But that's not why I'm here,
I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you

Found my way back in the dark tonight,
Couldn't wake up not right next to you,
I'd trade forever to just hear you say the sound of my name,

But that's not why I'm here,
I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you

Don't believe that it's better when you leave everything behind,
Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die,
Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long (all day long),
I wanna find you so bad and let you know
I'm miserable up here without you, miserable up here without you
[x2]

Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 9:58 PM

Memory
by Sugarcult

I posted it here (instead of my Friendster blog) because Friendster won't let me post in my blog TT_TT. Anyways, here it is! ^___^

This may never start.
We could fall apart.
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
I'll tear us apart.
Cannot be your enemy.
Losing half a year.
Waiting for you here
I'd be your anything.

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
Tearing out my heart.
I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
(I'd be your memory)
Feelings disappear.
Can I be your memory?

So get back, back, back to where we lasted.
Just like I imagine.
I could never feel this way.
So get back, back, back to the disaster.
My heart's beating faster.
Holding on to feel the same.

This may never start.
We could fall apart
And I'd be your memory.
Lost your sense of fear.
Feelings insincere.
Can I be your memory? [x2]

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 9:54 PM

~foR saLE:

a boYFriENd whO iS swEet yeT sELfiSh,
sMaRT buT cAN bE idiOTiC,
friENdLy bUt a LoNeR,
kiND yET thOuGHtLeSs,
roManTiC buT poSsEsSiVE,
fuNny YEt coRNy,
haNDsOMe bUT coNfuSiNG,
PoPULaR aND tRouBLeSOmE,
daNGeROuSLy haRdWOrkiNG,
oVeRLy MaTH-oRieNTeD,

teRriBLe buT sTiLL woNDeRFuL.

1 yeAR, 2 MoNThS, 3 wEeKS, aND 6 daYS exPeRieNCe wiTh seLLeR

pRiCE:
aLL thE LoVE iN thE woRLd

reQUiReMEnTs (tO maKe TranSactiON vaLiD):
reCeNT iD
paYMeNt saTiSFyiNG tHE naMEd pRicE
aBiLiTY tO wiTHsTAnD hiS stuBBoRNnESs
LoOSeNEss tO bE cRAzy wiTh hiM
reSiDEnCe aT tHE LoCAL meNTaL hoSpiTaL (iN caSE of aN OVeRdoSE of iNSanitY)
pATieNCe wiTh hiS scHeDULe
pAtiENcE WiTH HiS ocCaSiONaL inSenSiTiViTY
PaTiENCe witH hiS erRaTic meThoDS
pLaiNLy paTieNCe
haNDs sO geNtLe and CaRiNG
LeGS aBLe tO matCh hiS sPeeD (oR aT LeaSt tO CatCH uP WiTH hiM)
NoSE thAt kNOwS hOW he SmELLs LikE
haiR foR hiS fiDDLiNG pLeaSurE
EyEs tO uNDeRsTaND hiS haNDwRiTiNG
heARt tO reAD hiS eMOtiOnS
miND tO RecoGNizE hiM fRoM aFAr
a LoVE puRe aND wiThOUt baD iNTEntiON
a LovE eQuiPpEd tO faCE aLL tHE diFFicuLtiEs oN tHe RoAD oF LifE
a LOvE fuLL oF imPerFEctiONs yEt reAdY tO LeARn
pERsON to SeE thrOUGh hiS iMPeRfecTioNS aND fiND thE pErfEct hiM

coNtACt:
oWnER oF thiS bLOg

siDe NoteS:
i dECiDeD tO puT uP thiS aD tO LoOK foR soMeONe tO tAkE caRe oF mY baBy DarLiNG, sOMeOne pERfecT foR hiM.

p.S.
hE iS veRY ticKLiSh. pLeaSE bE caREfuL wiTh hiM.

p.P.S.
hE reFUseS tO eAt soMeTiMEs (aND i'Ve giVeN uP oN foRCiNg hiM to eaT), sO feEDiNG iS noT RequiReD.

P.P.p.S.
hE reFuSEs tO sLEeP aT tiMEs, tOo, sO foRgeT abOuT LeaRNinG LuLLaBieS tO HaVE hiM faLL aSLeeP.

p.P.p.p.S.
hE iS aLSo BLiND aND fOoLiSh. (hE choSE Me, thAT'S pROof eNougH!)

...

p.p.P.P.p.S.
oN seCoND thoUgHT... hE iS toO pReciouS to LoSE. FoRgeT abOUt thiS aD.~

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 8:59 AM

Sometimes...

I can't understand why I wasn't blessed as the youngest in the family... or the second...

This sucks... I'm often getting blamed for many things I didn't do... ARGH!!!

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 10:05 PM

Hahaha. Anyway XD

Just had my first dance classes today. After a long while - DANCE classes. Nyahahaha. It was tiring, but fun. Too bad my position there was... cramped. o_o Ang hirap tuloy mag-breakdance sa isang small and enclosed space. *laughs at self* Well, it's true that I looked absolutely weird. Wahahaha.

Oh, and Dikko texted me yesterday that he would come to my house to give me something. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to come (don't get me wrong, he's safe... =3 ). =( Well, it's okay with me... I felt sad, but I called him at home before I went to have the dance classes and he was able to make me smile even with a (roughly) 5-minute talk. Wahahaha. I so love him.

Which reminds me, I talked to Roselyn last night. I IMed her things. Wahahahaha. I'm proud of how I shared what I've learned with boys so far. And it feels... okay. XD I didn't eat her up or something, so don't think I'm an evil person (EBOL! I am EBOL! D:< ) I just hope we're both in an okay state. =3

Hmm... ano pa ba? Ang sarap man-trip ng mga tao noong LTS! Basta... secret! Wahahaha... Nalaman ni Louie ang katarayan ko... Wahahahaha... and no, Louie... you can't ever bully me! Not as worse as I can... Nyahahahaha... >:)

Basta... ang dami ko pang hindi masabi rito... kasi baka maiyak ako. Next time na rin ako mag-uupdate ng kabilang blog namin. Ang dami ko pa talagang iniisip na hindi ko masabi... Wahahahaha... hahahahaha... I've just gotta keep myself preoccupied this summer...

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 2:50 PM

I went to school today to act as usherette in Dikko's grad. Before we performed actual duty, Maren, Sienna and I headed over to our classroom's end on the 4th floor. It was kind of nice talking to them while having the wind in your hair. The down part was the wind in my skirt. o.o

When we were given our jobs, I was assigned to the parents of the honor recipients and awardees with Wesly. We were all also assigned to hand out the corsages to the students. Amazingly (well, since the sections were assigned to us as we lined up in alphabetical order), Wesly and I ended up beside each other. We both remembered the parents at the gym after a while, and asked to be excused so we could do our duties there. I was half-glad (okay, maybe three-fourths glad) when I asked my other seatmate Ate Bea to take over my section. It's not that I enjoy tormenting others with the things I need to do... (I don't, and I love doing my job o.o) it was more because I was hiding something from... someone... (okay, I admit) ...Dikko.

It was funny how the parents of those on the honor roll and were awardees didn't want to sit at their designated seats... some said that they wanted to sit there when there were others around. Isn't it weird? If I were one of those parents I'd be proud to sit there... my child earned this. XD Anyway, Wesly and I helped the others working on the parents of the Loyalty awardees. A little before the marching part of the ceremony was taking place, Wesly and I decided to split up. He was there posted at the area where the parents' seats were, and I was by the entrance trying in vain to arrange the parents there. Well, I didn't really have much to do since I only announced once that the parents should go with their children and then they just went to their own children. XD I couldn't find Wes after I finished up there, so I helped out again with the Loyalty awardees. XD

I saw Wesly again, and we stayed in the last row of the area with the parents of the honor recipients and awardees (let's call them PHRAA o.O ...reminds me of our lesson in English, Phra Law!). A few of them strayed because they were late, and we tried looking for their seats. o.o Sherwin owes me! D: He asked me to hand a videocam and a camera to his mother, while everyone else was sitting down! D: It was kind of embarrassing, but then... it's okay. XD

Later on, Wes and I (yes, my partner in crime today XD) helped with calling the parents of the loyalty awardees (PLA? o.O) on the boys' side and the girls' side. XD Soon I became focused on the PLA on the boys' side, and afterwards only Wes and I were left on that side. o_o Everyone else disappeared. o_o (okay, maybe they left early. ._.)

In between calling the PLAboys'side, Wes and I exchanged a few comments on the ceremony, compared it to ours and this year's in GS, and envisioned the future. XD We talked about how we surely would get a medal - for being loyalty awardees. XD Well, we also vowed to get other medals, aside from that. XD Then we grew silent when it was nearing to the end. And we both got head aches. o_o Therefore, we left the gym a few minutes earlier than everyone else and headed to the Prefect of Activities' Office... but it was locked. o_o We stayed at a table just outside and talked a little bit more, while my head was racking up a storm from aching a lot. o_o

My mom and sister were already in the parking lot, but I stayed longer to give Angela her mobile phone back (yes, she gave it to me earlier... to keep for a while o_o) and... I was also wishing to talk to Dikko. Even though I was near him almost the entire ceremony, I wanted to talk to him properly (and no, I can't recall having a decent conversation with him today or even saying hi, for that matter. O_O).

When the secretary (Ma'am Leah! XD) arrived and opened up the office, Wesly and I went in with Maren and Sienna (who went outside after a while). He was going in and out of the office, while I stayed and rested my head. Waiting about 10 minutes resulted to watching the arrival of some of the 4th year SEBs, including Dikko. The sad part of my day was that... he never really said hi while I was resting my head on the table. I understand that it was his big day, but then... I was just sad that he never bothered to ask if I was alright or even greet me properly...

And just my luck. I had been feeling broken a few days earlier, and that he doesn't know. Yes, that was what I was hiding from him. It didn't help that he practically ignored me inside the office. He left shortly after coming into the office and taking the gifts my mom and I gave him. After 3 minutes of waiting for him to come back (I needed to get a few things cleared about the grad ball, too o_o), I finally decided to trudge my way to the parking lot and look for my mom's car. I saw Dikko just outside the office, but I didn't bother to go up to him and properly bid him goodbye. I was kind of overcome with a little bit of irritation and my headache was getting the best of me.

When I got to the parking lot, I tried looking for my mom's car in the dark night. No such luck there. I sent her a text message asking about the car's location, and she said that she would just come to the gate. So I sat by the curb of the street near the gate. Yeah. And mom was astonished to find me there, while I was wearing a formal outfit (well, it is kind of improper for someone dressed like that to sit on the curb o_o). I just climbed into the car, explained that I wasn't able to talk to Dikko (like I asked for permission to do before I left) and that I had a headache.

Tsch. Irritation and the headache did get the best of me. I was considering the idea of standing him up on the day of the grad ball. Heh. I wonder if he'd ignore me if I did that. At least I'd kick in my first classes (what kind? That's for me to know! XD). Haaay...

This evening, I IMed Regine. She asked me how I was, and I told her I had a headache earlier (I felt better after resting in bed, getting annoyed by my sisters who kept turning on the light and leaving the door open, assaulting the dresses hanging by my feet with my feet, and mashing my face into the pillows o_o). She asked why, and I explained Wes' explanation as to why we both had headaches. o.O Then she asked me if it was fun, and I replied that it was all fun... except for the part where I got the headache and Dikko practically ignored me inside the office.

She replied: "Walang pinagbago... 'Yan pa rin ang kinalulungkutan mo..."

I pondered about that. It's true that for quite a while now, what makes me sad has usually been related to him...

I admit, it is nice to have friends who say it so frankly and so bluntly. It makes one think. I guess Regine is one of the people who know what's inside my mind and heart even before I tell them. Best friends are fascinating.

hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT 11:19 PM