Saturday, April 22, 2006
Ang hirap naman nito... I still have a lot kept inside me, and no one to pour them all out to...
I've stranded so far, too far... out of reach of my friends... And my best friends? ...I haven't been a good friend to them, in general...
It's so sad... it's so lonely... Si Dikko na lang kasi halos ang kinakausap ko about my troubles... At kung hindi naman siya, best friends ko... pero... tungkol naman sa mga problema ko kay Dikko...
Noong school time 'yun... ngayong vacation na, hindi na sila tumatawag... Let's face the facts - I'm not a telephone-y person. I hate being on the telephone for long, at tinatamad akong mag-dial and all that junk...
But it's so sad...
I'm not used to this kind of loneliness...
I guess I've overstayed my welcome with my friends... It seems that I've always thought, "I always choose to be lonely... because I'll always have friends welcoming me back..." and now... It's just... so sad...
Let's also face the fact - Dikko isn't the best friend one could ever have. Not when you don't hear from him or get to talk to him for days and days on end.
Ever since Pre School, I've more or less had at least one best friend... even though I've been friend-hopping per grade level... and now that I have absolutely anyone with me... it's just... a new feeling... it's a sad new feeling... and I don't want it...
I DON'T WANT IT!!!
My thoughts at night? They've been getting scarier... Well, call me weird and immature, but I've been thinking of all sorts of disasters... fires, amnesia (for me), natural disasters... things to be reasons for Dikko to come here. If he would ever know about it.
It's so lonely... I can't stand this loneliness...
True; I have four siblings... they're the reason I have a smile on my face most of the day... but... someone I can pour my inner thoughts out to? That someone's not here...
It's not even Dikko... Let's just say... when I tell him about things, he doesn't react like an actual best friend will... He'll more or less say "it's okay" or "I love you" or "I'll just hug and kiss you"...
No, it's not enough... I need my best friend back...
I need someone... someone who will really listen to my troubles, and then slap me in the face, whether with their hand or with their words... to wake me into the reality...
"Justine... you're worrying about something stupid."
I know that I already know my thoughts are so stupid... but it takes a friend to really slap you into life again... someone to laugh your troubles off with...
I stil have kept feelings... feelings about my first major brokenness, my second major brokenness, and my third major brokenness... I've told Dikko a bit about them all, but... all he's said was "Tell me about it, okay?" (but he doesn't seem completely interested because he never asked again...) and "I'm sorry" (although I doubt he knows the entire situation... how I feel about it, entirely...), and "it's okay... I'm yours forever anyway..."
No, that's not what I'm looking for...
Dikko... I love you and all... but... those aren't the right answers to the feelings I have...
I know my woes are super stupid. Let's quit the fancy talk and bluntly say it. My troubles are just small idiotic troubles. But... I can't describe it any more...
What I've really noticed for quite a while now... boyfriends can tell when you have a problem, even when sometimes your best friends can't or just plainly ignore your signals... but still, best friends WILL end up knowing the perfect remedy for every tiny problem... <3
hiD beHiND a RaiNBoW aT
Justine Patricia Carpio (|)
San Beda College Alabang (|)
litedorange@yahoo.com (|)
dikko.numbah1.fan4ever@gmail.com (|)
I am a 15-year old girl, born the 7th day of the 2nd month of the year 1991. (|)
I am a trained perfectionist. My dad is my head mentor, and my mother supports him in my training to achieve perfection in most anything. (|)
I believe in perfection. (|)
I believe perfection is but an illusion. (|)
I have observed that to achieve perfection, one has to create a believable illusion. (|)
Artists of the canvas and the paper, in reality, just makes dots, lines and strokes... at the same time, the illusion of beauty on paper is created; thus, perfection. (|)
Artists of the body are only keeping their bodies motile... and if done well, the illusion of beauty and grace is shown; thus, perfection in that art. (|)
Artists in the field of music are, in actuality, just pressing some keys, strumming some strings, hitting some instruments... while doing so, an illusion is formed within the mind of the listener; a picture of perfection. (|)
Artists with their words put together a jumble of thoughts... combining into one masterpiece a tale filled with imagination, emotion and elegance; a story of perfection. (|)
Artists on the stage may be the best illusionists of all... to make cardboard appear like gold, water seem like tears, pain feel like happiness is their illusion, their craft; their work of perfection. (|)
I have also observed... there is no such thing as a perfect love. (|)
By man's often definition, a perfect love is one that is filled with happiness, sweetness, and pure joy... always, most likely with God. (|)
Love between humans can never be a 'perfect love'. (|)
...because the most beautiful kind of love requires one to experience one form of pain and suffering... (|)
...may it be love of a parent, love of a sibling, or love of a lover... (|)
Pain and suffering are present with love and true happiness... (|)
One just has to endure the more negative times to reach to the greener fields on the other side. <3 (|)